This is a speech given by Danny Evanishen to welcome Cousin Ted's bride Teri to the family, in Edmonton, on November 6, 1999
Pani Predsidnytse; Pani, Panove; Shanovni Oponenty. No, that's not right. Oops - this is my old speech to the debating society. But for the benefit of the Angliky in the crowd, Shanovni Oponenty means Worthy Opponents. And as we all know, that kind of thing has no place in a marriage.
When my dear cousin, ol' Whathisname there, asked me to welcome his blushing bride to the family, I thought that was a good idea. But I was too late, and she married him anyway. Now that I look at her, I notice she isn't even blushing. Some brides sure should.
Oh, I would like to remind the Hawryshi that at some point in my ramblings here, we might do the Klech. So be ready.
The Hawrysh family is a very famous one, and we are also famous for welcoming strangers into our midst. Not that Theresa is any more strange than some of our born-in members. Even so, she is welcome.
I was going to warn Theresa about the kind of family she is getting herself into, and I thought it would be best if I told her about some of the odd or weird family members. And then I got to thinking about that, and I realized that when we have family gatherings and the talk turns to odd and weird members of the family, eventually everyone stops talking and looks at me. So that's out. I'll only tell you about some of the good guys.
Oh, I will admit that I used to have a problem, but I took therapy and now I'm okay. GOINGGOING WUPWUPWUPWAKWAKWAK! Okayokayokay! Goinggoing!
Probably the most famous of the Hawrysh clan was Leonardo da Hawryshi. He invented the garbage can lid and the catapult that flung the first Ukrainian into space.
Then there was cousin Genghis Kinash, who conquered Orlow, Sask in 1927.
Martin Luther Hawrysh was the first Ukrainian to free his slaves. That was in 1994.
Babe Hawrysh, the famous baseball player, was known all over the sports world as the Strikeout King. No, he wasn't a pitcher; he was a batter.
Mahatma Hawryshi developed the world's first vegetarian cabbage.
Sir Winston Tserkva invented the Peace Sign. We're Number One!
Then there are three we don't like to talk about. They are Sir John A McDawrysh, Brian Mulhawrysh and Bill Clinchuk, who was a cousin twice removed. And once convicted. Oh, no, he wasn't convicted - he got off.
Famous women in the family include Ivanna of Arc, who invented the rainbow, Indira Hawryshi, who won the three-meter marathon at the 1821 Olympics and Amelia Earhawrysh, the famous flyer. She didn't really want to get lost, but everyone told her to.
Yuri Gagawrysh was the first Ukrainian in space. He was Leonardo's lab assistant, and he wasn't really meant to go into space, but he tripped just as Leonardo fired his catapult, and, well, the rest is history.
Finally, we have another cousin, a famous musician, Ringo Starshey, who was a member of the rock group the Khrobaky.
I would like to quote a poem about the Hawrysh family. It's actually the Hawrysh National Anthem, and it goes like this:
Yidyat kapustu, kolachi!
A chasamy pyrohy,
I kavalok kovbasy!
Translated, it goes like this:
Mighty are the mountains,
and mighty is the sea.
But the mightiest of the mighty
are the Hawryshi!
Written by third cousin Vasyl Shackspeerski. He lives in a shack at Speers. And he skis.
The family all chipped in and bought the blushing couple a wonderful wedding present: a do-it-yourself burglar alarm system from Wal-Mart, but I left it in the car last night and it was stolen. Sorry about that.
Now, before I place the Hawrysh Ceremonial Welcome Wreath of flowers and garlic and other vegetable matter around Theresa's neck, I would just like to say what all the Hawryshi like to say in a situation like this: Good luck, kid!